The first place

On May 04, 2010, in Real leadership, by Neculai Fantanaru

Demonstrate your greatness, by adjusting your potential for leadership according to your ability to understand and control the feelings of others.

A few months ago I was visiting an old colleague from high school. Seeing him again was fantastic, full of stories of all kinds. Even so, while we talked, telling stories, bringing back old memories, I also paid attention to the "Flour game" that his kids played with some other kids, a total of six souls very determined to win. Instinctively, I stopped my look directly on them, following the development of the game.

First, they filled a big cup of flour, they pressed it well, then they dumped it on a plate and put a coin on it. Each of them cut, in the order they established at the ballots, very carefully, a piece, so that the coin would not crumble. The last one in the race, Matei, who could be clearly seen as the most ambitious among all, won, by eliminating his competitors one by one.

A competition was over, a battle was decided

I followed the little winner with my eyes, with the same feeling of joy, which invades the spectators of a boxing gala, when their favorite fighter wins the great match. However, contrary to any expectations, I could read on his face regret, maybe the regret that, by achieving the victory, the other kids who lost will not appreciate him just as much or, even worse, will want to draw away from him.

He was the only winner of the "Flour game" a thing which, on one hand, I think brought him a great deal of satisfaction, of course, because he had that something, which makes the difference between people, that vivid and active spirit, very competitive, specific to the people activated by a strong desire to prove their worth in the confrontation with the bravest adversaries; and, on the other hand, brought him a great deal of sadness, a deep and heavy sadness.

I am sure that he was thinking, in his little wisdom, to share his prize with the other kids. He seemed invaded by a strong desire to support them, to manifest his interest and affectiveness towards them, to reward them somehow by slightly maneuvering the situation. He wanted to attract his friends' sympathy, or, I would rather say, all their gratitude, thus removing any sign of dispraise or envy. Even so, the prize he won, a little 50 cents coin, how would he share with the others? Moreover, if he would be able to share with the others, will this supreme humanity gesture replace the eventual feelings of envy or even anger of his friends? Maybe if they played again and, leaving his pride aside, would lose, would the situation change by anything?

Unfortunately, I had to leave, I do not know how Matei acted, but it would have been really helpful to find out.

For those who know how to feel, with their soul, with their mind

The deepest desire of a determined man, driven by high ideals, is to be on top. He displays a prominent trait of character: to distinguish himself. Always projecting himself above all others, such a man can succeed if he stays unyielding in his will, to achieve the goals he sets, and to rise above everybody, to outclass them, dominate them. But for how long?

Probably hidden deep under the layers of consciousness, his instinct drove Matei to divert his attention towards his friends' feelings. He proved maturity in thought when, putting himself in his friends' position, looked at himself with different eyes.

This is called empathy: to be preoccupied by the thoughts and feelings of other people, putting yourself in their place, trying to think like them. Only this is how you can understand those around you. If you cannot enter people's minds and find out what they think, if you do not conceive their intentions, especially in important moments, then you are not meant to lead them. For he who does not have the ability to understand those around him will never be able to communicate with them.

What is your most prominent character trait? Does your instinct urging you to direct attention to the feelings of the less competitive than you? Are you proving maturity in thinking? Are you looking at yourself through the eyes of others? Can you predict their intentions? Do you think you deserve to be in their head? What is the hardest decision that you have to take when you win, and what is the hardest one you should take when you lose? Can you control their reaction when they lose?

The first place is not always the most comfortable and quiet place, but it is the most desired. However, the question arises, why did some people get on the first place, winning the laurels of victory, and others have not got them. The explanation is simple, the latter either having involved less or not at all for the first place, or they lacked competition experience, or they were not persevering enough. It is interesting, though, that the latter are also, many times, those who envy, denigrate or, even worse, sabotage the one who got on the first place.

No matter what empathy would manifest the one on the first place, especially if he got there by playing fair and proving fair-play towards others, he must not forget: „life is a struggle, so fight”. No matter how bitter the defeated one would be, especially if the game was fair, he should not forget that he got that way because he was better and, all the same, he should not forget that: “life is a struggle, so fight”. Because in any competition, whatever the nature of it, there are only winners and losers.

Show your greatness, by adjusting your potential for leadership depending on your ability to understand and control the feelings of others.